I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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