There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
