I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
