I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
