I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
