I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
