Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
