Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
