If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
