I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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