Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
