My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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