So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
