Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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