So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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