a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
