I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
