shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
