I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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