The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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