I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
