She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
