I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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