I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
