just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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