I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
its liver damage thursday
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