my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
