You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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