You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
