Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
