I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
