don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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