Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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