There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
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Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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