yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
