God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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