Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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