He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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