drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
