I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
