If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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