Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
