she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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