It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
