If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
