No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
