her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
