Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
