He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
