guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
