dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
