i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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