She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
