I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
