I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
