Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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