I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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